April 7, 2004
Yessssss

Yessssss.  It’s indeed a great time to be alive.  The planets must be perfectly aligned because the world’s momentum is heading in my direction.  Right now, life finds the wind at my back and the road ahead all downhill.

     First came the good news.  You know, research showing how we were doing our bodies a huge favor consuming red wine.  For years the WCTU and their fellow travelers have been staring down their collective noses at folks like moi, people wandering through life sampling copious amounts of merlot, pinot noirs and cabernets.  Research has now documented we winos were right and the temperance freaks wrong. Score one for the good guys.

       Now comes even better news.  As I have long suspected, my high school coaches, ninety per cent of all fitness magazines and yoga aficionados had it all wrong.  Stretching, as good as it might feel to its practitioners, does not prevent injuries.

      To the legions of you, who for years have been preaching with missionary zeal to my deaf ears on the value of stretching may I say, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”.

      According to Steven B. Thacker, director of the epidemiology program office at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, researchers “found stretching does not live up to its reputation as an injury preventer, we could not find a benefit.”  Said Thacker, “Athletes who stretch might feel more limber (he should also have added the word condescending) but athletes shouldn’t count on stretching to keep them healthy.”

    The past forty years of my life have seen me involved in a relatively active lifestyle. Running, biking, skiing, hiking and roller blades have been and remain a major part of my daily existence.  But I draw the line when it comes to stretching.  I hated stretching in high school sports, I refuse to stretch before my morning run or bike ride, and knowing full well the following admission is akin to blasphemy, I have absolutely no interest in yoga.

     For decades do-gooders have expressed the conviction that unless yours truly were to stretch before running, hamstrings would eventually shorten to the point my feet would not extend below my knees.  Frustrated with continually explaining why I rank stretching somewhere between liver and onions and emptying the dishwasher on life’s fun-meter, I just explain my avoidance of things body bending is due to research demonstrating stretching causes cancer.

     The fact there is no evidence whatsoever to back up such a statement does not alter the fact this boldface lie quiets stretchaholics who insist on loudly laboring to touch their toes with their nose in my presence.

     Now that teetotalers and stretch fanatics have been scientifically dispatched and shown the error of their ways, there’s only one other group needing to be eliminated from my life.  Water lovers.

     In today’s society it is better for one’s reputation to come “out of the closet” or confess to being a “Country Club Republican” than allow the world to know you’re less than enthused about the taste of water and furthermore, could care less how many glasses a day of H2O you consume.

     I’m not quite as negative on water as my mother.  Recently, on her recent 90^th birthday, she admitted her two greatest pet peeves remain “fresh air and water”.  It’s also true that were the rest of the country to join me in choosing Diet Dr. Pepper as the liquid of choice thousands of people, those whose critical skills allow “quality water” to be bottled in Canada, France, and Fiji and transported to America, would be un-employed.  Heaven knows local water just won’t satisfy a true water-holic when it comes to liquid intake.  Water worshipers distrust any clear liquid not imported in a bottle and local water is dispensed from a tap for God’s sake!  And if everyone used a water fountain what would one do with his or her hands not having a “designer” water bottle to lug through the day.

     Looking for a gift for the graduating MBA student or aspiring lawyer in your family?  How about a combination water bottle-cell phone?  It’s the perfect present for the busy young professional needing to “hydrate” during a conference call made while driving to yoga.