February 9, 2005
Hooters

Once again, it’s Maynard to the rescue.  Here I am happily retired without a care until the world interrupts my reverie with another problem to be solved.  True, no one ever actually requests the counsel of my insight but that’s because I possess solutions long before a dilemma is known to exist.  

Take Walker Field.  A couple of week’s back there was a published worry about Great Lakes Air discontinuing service to our fair city.  Later came the official word, Great Lakes was doing just fine and wouldn’t be leaving.  Probably. 

That’s not how you do things today.  Take a tip from NFL owners.  Threaten people.  Whenever an NFL owner wants a new stadium, reduced rent, or skyboxes he just thinks out loud about moving the team to Los Angeles.  LA doesn’t have pro football.  By threatening a move west, local citizenry becomes highly motivated to save their favorites by taxing themselves.  Example A?  Our Bronco’s.  Remember how the Orange and Blue would be forced to re-locate unless a new stadium was constructed?  Now we have Invesco Field, a shiny new facility with the ambiance of a dentist’s waiting room.   Of course when Mile Hi went away, so did the Bronco’s home field advantage.  Hell, we can’t even beat “Da Bears” anymore.  But from an owner’s standpoint, winning is a small price to pay when compared to luxury box revenues. 

I digress.  What Walker Field should say is, “Fine, if Great Lakes leaves we’ll just bring another airline into Grand Junction.”  Who would that be you ask?  That’s a question easily handled.  According to the business geek in the Rocky Mountain News, Hooters Airlines just started service to Denver.  Flying in and out of DIA to exotic locales like Las Vegas, Atlanta and Rockford, Illinois (Rockford?) Hooters Airlines has a fleet of orange and white Boeing 737’s serving the flying public. According to the article Hooters is not run by a bunch of boobs and won’t be a total bust like United Airlines, home of the “Friendly (and bankrupt) Skies.” 

On Hooters Air you’ll find leather seats, chicken wings and two very friendly (and very healthy) stewardesses dressed in orange hot pants and white tank tops.  Provided the pilot and co-pilot aren’t also wearing shorts and a see through blouse, catching a six a.m. Hooters flight to Denver on a Monday morning might not be such drudgery after all.  And should Denver be socked in, forcing your plane to circle for a couple of hours or, perish the thought go on to Hays, Kansas and land until Denver weather clears, well you and the Hooters honey’s will just have to munch on hot wings and deal with the in-convenience.  I’m willing to take the chance, aren’t you? 

In the interest of a competitive marketplace, the Walker Field Airport Authority should begin negotiations immediately with Hooters.  As a matter of fact, should everyone be tied up my schedule is open tomorrow and Friday.  All that’s required is a ticket and an expense account.  Great Lakes today, Hooters tomorrow is our battle cry. 

True not everyone is thrilled with the Hooters concept.  My more than a little bit feminist middle daughter finds Hooters disgusting.  But rather than rail about their existence she plans on someday competing with the restaurant chain.  When her career in special education is over, the intent is to open an eating establishment across the street from Hooters.  The wait staff will consist entirely of males between the age of 21 and 29, each and every one possessing the IQ of a rutabaga.  All waiters and bartenders will be uniformly dressed in Speedo swimsuits, the very brief style worn by Olympic swimmers.  She’s going to call her restaurant “Nutz”.