May 4, 2005
Wally

Taking stock. Every once in a while an event occurs so mind-startling it causes an individual to stop and count life’s blessings. 

Like this past week when I was reminded just how lucky one is to be married rather than being a single dude considering the prospect of participating in “Date Night at Wal-Mart.” 

According to Money magazine, Wally World is running a “Singles Shopping” campaign in their German stores. The promotion is working so well the Wal-Mart marketing wizards are thinking of duplicating the effort in Britain, South Korea, Puerto Rico and maybe even stateside. 

Immediately thoughts flash on the intestinal fortitude necessary for a guy to walk up to an attractive, no-wedding-ring-wearing blonde pushing a bulging shopping cart overloaded with spaghetti squash, a case of Pennzoil 10W-30, dental floss, a beanbag chair and a bag of Kitty Litter to inquire, “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?” 

But that isn’t how it works. No, it’s much worse. 

According to the story, every Friday at German Wal-Marts it’s “Singles Shopping” night from 6 to 8 p.m. If you’re single, looking for romance, or just interested in flirting, a huge, bright red bow is attached to your shopping cart. Plus, Wally World sets up “flirting points” around the stores stacked with “romantic” merchandise, such as chocolates, wine and cheese to help break the ice. 

But are a Brie-topped cracker and a glass of cabernet sauvignon really necessary in the I-left-my-heart-in-home- furnishings world of Wal-Mart? Wally World associates all wear a big button boldly stating, “How May I Help?” Well, just ask for an introduction to the cute brunette struggling to lift a one-gallon giant economy jug of Skippy Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter into her shopping basket. 

“Oh, she doesn’t have a red bow on her cart? Well, never mind.”  

Who would have guessed Wal-Mart’s “Everyday low prices” would include the cheapest of dates? What individual possessing the slightest shred of self-respect wanders the Wal-Mart aisles with a big red bow attached to his or her shopping cart? 

Trust me, someone will, and one can only imagine a decade from today a parent explaining to the kids, “Where did I meet your father? Well, it was between fishing rods and tires at Wally World. I was thinking Zebco, and he was scoping out the tread on a set of Goodyears for his ragtop Jeep when our eyes met, and it was bargains at first sight.” 

Wal-Mart does profess to be the home of one-stop shopping. If the Wally-World, blue-coated greeter at the front entrance could double up on his duties and also officiate weddings, a couple could meet and get to know one another over the free pizza bites in the grocery section. If it feels like love, they could pick out a ring at the jewelry counter, get married, take wedding pictures in the photo booth, have the reception at the McDonald’s by the front door and be on their way to the Motel 6 honeymoon suite before the 8 p.m. witching hour.  

Not everyone at our house thinks the Wal-Mart date night is a bad idea. My wife says it’s a great concept. It’s the Wal-Mart return policy. According to Jan, women everywhere would love the opportunity to “just bring him back and we’ll exchange or refund, no questions asked”.