February 15, 2006
The Olympics are Coming!

The Olympics are coming!  The Olympics are coming!  Actually they’re here, starting last Friday night but many folks don’t seem to have a clue.  Or too be more correct, could care less. 

This is a problem for NBC.  They’re televising over 200 hours of Winter Olympic action to what promises record low ratings.  Do the math, that’s 24.5 hours per day.  Were one to try and raise NBC’s viewing levels by witnessing every flying camel, straight line through the chicane and back side 720, when does one sleep?  Well that’s where live action curling comes into play.  

With winter my favorite of the four seasons, there’s a lot to like in the Winter Games.  Our skiers and boarders, led by Colorado’s own, Jeremy Bloom, promise to kick some serious butt.  But even the most ardent of puckheads would agree, 54 games of hockey carried live over a week and a half might constitute blue line overkill.  

Now that we’ve reached the middle of Winter Olympics week one the nightly viewing is prime time figure skating. No single Winter Games venue causes so many family arguments.  Why?  Take a short Winter Olympic quiz.  What USA team member, after finding his Olympic village living quarters not measuring up, was quoted, ”I’m very princess-sy as far as travel is concerned and having a nice room and things like that.”  Was it? 

A.  hockey defenseman Chris Chellios

B.  Short track specialist Apollo Ohno

C.   Figure skater Johnny Weir 

There’s the problem.  Even in this sharing, caring “Brokeback Mountain” world, the average American male would rather watch CSI: Casper than the ice stylings of someone describing themselves as “princessy”.  Every grandpa is willing to take granddaughters to Disney On Ice but that’s the only time he’s willing to watch “princess-sy” skaters i.e. Cinderella and Snow White.  When Johnny Weir glides onto the TV screen across America husbands will be scrambling for the remote.  

Wives, on the other hand, absolutely love everything about figure skating from ice dancing up to and including princess-sy performers.  So the question for ladies is, just how to convince the household male to sit still for symphonic music, sequins and bad marks from the French judge.  Alcohol is the answer. 

Many years ago a group of us would gather at the Café Caravan’s Jungle Bar on Friday afternoon and request Bob Newhart re-runs on the TV.  Anytime an actor was heard to say, “Hi Bob” all watching were required to finish off their beer.   

Wives could offer husbands the same fun-filled activity when Dick Button is critiquing figure skating.  Mr. Button, a former Olympic gold medalist educated at Harvard, is best known for being able to pronounce  Protopopov, Gordeeva and Grinkov.  He also possesses a certain predictability to his commentary.  With a pilsner at the ready the rules for the Dick Button drinking game requires participants to sip every time Mr. Button says, “Sitzspin”, “Triple Axel”, or “Flying Camel”.  And anytime he intones, “First Rate” or “Nice” one must chug the entire bottle.  Just know half way through the evening’s program, the man in your life won’t know whether he’s watching Sasha Cohen attempt a triple lutz or Team USA headman the puck out of their own zone.  

But how does one pass the time during the 100 Olympic hours we haven’t covered?  How about fantasy curling?  I already have my first round pick, Skip Pete Fenson from Bemidji, Minnesota.  Insiders say Bemidji curlers rule.