March 5, 2008
The Price Is
Too High For
Looking Younger

Today  on NBC.  Rarely a part of my morning.  After listening to a wife gush for about the one hundred and fiftieth time on the inherent wonderfulness of Matt Lauer, the male of the species becomes a wee bit defensive. Nothing against Mr. Lauer, he seems to be a reasonable fellow who causes female hearts to flutter, at least ladies who like well dressed guys with big noses.  However, when the Maynard TV is locked into Today, time seems better spent going for a run, a bike ride or just hiding out in the garage.  Who knows? Maybe the wiper fluid is low in one of the cars. 

But, there I was in front of the tube one early morning when a skirt wearing Today show talking head, (I can’t keep them straight), said the next guest would explain how to look younger.  

There’s a subject guaranteed to pique geezer interest so I hung around through the commercial break to check out a lady named Charla Krupp, author of “How Not To Look Old”.  It occurred that for some folks the first step in avoiding a put-out-to-pasture appearance was changing your name to Charla, but that seemed to be missing from her suggestions. 

For this kid, efforts to avoid looking like a member in good standing of the “Good Sam” club has been limited to avoiding pastel colored jump suits, staying away from yard sales until after the sun is up and never allowing a ball cap collection to be displayed with military precision along the back window of the family sedan.  Others making up my peer group have mentioned it helps to avoid an aging outer shell by keeping the mouth closed when not talking or eating, to never leave the house without having your teeth in place, and avoid continually living in the past with conversational declarations on the order of, “I sure miss Liberace.  Now there was an entertainer.”   

But the Charla lady mentioned none of that.  Her first suggestion was to avoid getting stuck in a hair rut.  “Change your length” she said, “Change your part”.  This seemed most difficult, what with the absence on my cranium of any length to change which also explains a hard to change part, since the afore mentioned absence extends from ear to ear. 

She also urged members of the over-the-hill-gang to “manage your wrinkles”.  Botox, collagen filler and chemical peel were among the recommendations.  Oww!  Each suggestion seemed to promise a pain filled remedy. Wrinkles, while assuring the wearer the embarrassment of always being given the senior discount without hesitation, don’t hurt.  

Ms. Krupp was also big on having the teeth whitened.  By a dentist.  “No pain, no gain” might be right for gym workouts but seems a high price to pay for shaving years off the countenance.  Isn’t there anything, I wondered, causing one to look younger without having to hurt?  It turns out I was sorry I asked. 

Charla then suggested older Americans skip the red and put on pink lipstick.  Only then did the light bulb come on about the fact I wasn’t a member of her “target audience”.  This point was made even clearer when she spoke in favor of super supportive bras.   

Or does looking younger require moving into a metro-sexual world I refuse to inhabit?